Is God Really There?

I cant tell you how many times I have asked that question. I have called myself a Christian for some time now, but couldnt really claim that because I havent actully studied his Word and couldnt tell a soul anything if they asked me questions. All I could say was, "well everyone says its true, and we got here somehow".. So I started into this process very slowly. People around me keep talking about the end of the world and all the signs that are leading up to that day. Well, I have to say --that is just scarey to me!! Most people say they look forward to that day; Well, I am not there yet, I want to see my babies grow up and get married and experience life raising my children to Know God. Is it a scarey world to live in? YES! Do I wish things were better for my girls? Of Course! But I know it could be ALOT worse!!! And maybe someday it will be worse, it seems to be heading that direction, but right now I am so enjoying my babies, and watching how they grow, and listening to them learn new words, and learn new things. Well, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed about this topic one day and just totally scared to leave my house, so I started researching and asking questions for myself: I found a website and just decided to sign up for daily devotionals. Well, guess what the devotionals were about? THe end TIMES! OH NO, I did this to get away from this subject.....

But as I read through them each day, i started to realize, No one can tell me when that day is coming, the signs on this earth may not be signs of that at all, NO Human can make that prediction. So i started to calm down and live life again. then other questions came up about various things, and as they would come into my head, I would check my email and there would be my answers -right there in those devotionals. I often wondered "how in the world does GOD speak to people?" These peole are nuts, I havent heard him say a word to me. WEll , someone once asked me, "ARE YOU LISTENING?" What a concept? I was suppose to listen??? News to me!

Just recently I have Prayed and asked God to use me to witness, I begged and pleaded for days, just show me something so I can show people who you are so that I know I am not crazy!!! I want to help people. I want to better my personality and become the loving person I know I have DEEP DOWN inside of me! I was not getting any answers, I would go to say something to someone to comfort them and didnt have a clue what I was talking about. Well, low and behold, the other day I had an email, the "FAMOUS DEVOTION" -Someone must be emailing my thoughts to Pastor Greg Laurie, is all I can figure... but his devotion that day was simply this:

2 Timothy 2:2, "And the things that you have heard from me among many witnesses, commit these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also"You might be thinking, Lord, come on! Use me. Call on me. I will turn this world upside down for You. But the Lord may be saying, "You are not ready yet. I have to prepare you first." Be faithful to do what He has set before you today to the best of your ability." He goes on to tell the story in Acts about Stephen and how he was used to serve, not to go and PREACH and save people. Then the big Kicker:

And as the Lord found him faithful in the little things, He gave him more responsibility.You can never be too small for God to use; only too big. We need to be faithful in what God has set before us. Because if we are not faithful in the little things, then we won't be in the big things
WOW! Was this an answer or what? So now I see God is there listening and hearing those Prayers but I have to stop and Listen and I may not be getting the answer I am searching for; but, I am getting the answer I NEED.

I am a day behind on the 90 day reading so I will leave this lengthy post (sorry, if you are tired of reading this by now) and go study his word. I Pray for Faith and Trust to let life go and let GOD lead!

My Day

Well today I do not have much to post except that I have made a few decisions and I hope so much I can carry them through. I started the book "Read the Bible in 90 Days" last night, I read 15 pages, (only supposed to read 12). I loved it. But in my past decision making and goal setting processes I have set things and started them and not followed through. I am famous for "Giving Up"! I get busy doing too many things at once and then get overwhelmed. I am bound and determined to do this.. I feel if I can study His word and really get into that relationship, He will lead me in other aspects of my life, homework, family, work, etc. Anyway, Praying today for strength to accomplish the tasks I have set before me.

SUCCESS

Yeah, as for today I have success. Success in Little Miss One year old sleeping in her own bed for 4 nights ALL NIght. So far I only had that one miserable night of crying. I thought she would sleep next to me in her play pen better than by herself; however, it seems as though she LOVES her bed. Now when she is ready to wake up, she is READY. NO doubt, but while she is tired she wants in her bed! Yeah for her! I know God must be listening to my small Prayers about getting some sleep. WE are working on finding a new bedroom suit for my four year old and she is getting to pick everything out. So come March, she we will be working on her going to sleep in her own room. I have also succeeded this week with no crying.... Praise God. Last night J was gone to a b-ball game and come 8:30 I told Big Miss Priss I was going to rock the baby and she could lay on the floor beside me or stay in the living room and watch tv. She chose to lay on the floor, I layed little bit down at around 845 and then we went to lay down in the big bed. I told her fifteen minutes of tv and lights out. I turned those lights off and she was asleep in five minutes. I got one hour of time to myself and instead of doing what I should have and cleaned, worked on homework, or Bible reading, I chose to call a VERY DEAR friend of mine whom I havent talked to in several months and we talked for an hour. I was so glad I did. God Blessed me last night and I say to him today.... THANK YOU!!!! My Prayer is today that things will continue to get better and we will get some sort of evening schedule! Also I have made a plan, I will be off work every wednesday to work on Homework--I have Physics and Physcology to get through before March!!! YUK BUT I have decided that I will join my friend in starting my day taking a Bible class at her Church at 9am every wednesday before I start my homework. This way I will be refreshed and calm. they just started today and I am so excited-I cant wait until next week. I was unable to attend today, because I had other appts this morning.
That was for a good cause as well, I was announcing the Crop being held for little Ashley! I know God will bless that day for her and her family. Keep her in your daily Prayers as well as our other little ones listed (Addison, Emma Grace, Rachel, and Chloe's family) I dont know them all yet but I am reading new ones everyday and saying Prayers to God for healing and comfort. Chloe Is the Angel watching over her friend Ashley now, and I Pray for her parents that God will comfort them during this time. I dont want to leave anyone out so I just lift all of those children up that I do not know about! Thank you 'God for loving me and my family today. Thank you for bringing me t Ashley's website so that I may grow closer to you through her story. In his name, Amen.

Forgiving and Seeing the Blessings

Today marks my 6 year wedding anniversary. I met my husband through some mutual friends and a year later we were married. Before he came along I was not living as I should, I guess you could say Sowing my WILD Oats. it was at that time God intervened. We were friends first because we both had just gotten out of bad relationships. Then it just grew. Let me say we are VERY DIFFERENT! Everyone says opposites attract! Well we are definitely opposite. I am nervous, paranoid, and a worry wart. He is calm, never worries, and extremely laid back. As I know he is definitely meant for me, sometimes it is hard to see that. God has truly blessed me, he is a wonderful daddy and my girls adore him. Reading Trish's post on Ashley's site about beauty has made me stop and think that I need to be looking for the beauty in this marriage and not the obstacles. Today I will focus and Pray for the strength to see the little things that make me love him so much! Lord, Today I am praising you for my beautiful family. I feel like I am undeserving of all the things you have blessed me with. Please forgive me for my anger and allow me to be the wife I need to be to this man. Please forgive him and allow him to come to you for direction and guidance for our family. You have blessed us with so many things. Today, I also Pray for Ashley and ask that you dry her lungs so she can spend time with her family, I lift Rachel and Emily up to you so you can heal their lungs and allow them to feel better. Lord, I also lift Asher up to you, I Pray that you will be with him as he grows up and allow him to see the love his mother had for him while she was here on earth. Protect him and his family and give them peace. Lord, there are many other beautiful children in this world that I beg you to Bless them and give their families peace and comfort as they fight their battles. thank You Father for loving us unconditionally. In Jesus Name, Amen

Totally Insane

Ok, someone please tell me who invented the book that said you should let babies cry themselves to sleep??? I am exhausted today. First let me start by saying: when Adyson was born my whole family and everyone else gave me advice of many kinds that would make her sleep in her own room. Well, contrary to their advice I wanted her with me so I would have an eye on her at all times. Now she is 4 and guess what, yep still with me!!!! Not so bad, except the 11 month old wants to be with me too. NOT GOOD ON YOUR MARRIAGE -My little one is just totally opposed to sleep! She loves to keep me up at night so I can hold and rock! As much as I love holding my baby, I have to have sleep or I cannot function in this world. My husband is a basketball official and this keeps him out late a few days during the week. So our routine this week has been eat supper, take a bath, play, and cry until daddy gets home around 11 or 12. So i received some advice, yet again, "YOU NEED TO LET THOSE BABIES CRY". Ok so my decision is to start with the little one and work my way up. Last night Ella woke up out of her playpen (in my room) around midnight. I picked her up, and after 2 nights of no sleep, decided to put her beside me. Well she rolled, and she squirmed, and then at 230 we were drinking a bottle, then at 340, I was exhausted so I just kissed her and layed her down in her baby bed, then walked out. TEars came streaming down my face as she screamed her lungs out of her throat. But it was either do this or just get out of bed and let her play and fall asleep sitting at my desk. (On top of everything, she is trying to recover from an ear infection) so I hated to do her that way when she clearly doesnt feel good. She screamed for about 30 minutes and fell asleep. I wanted to cover her up because it was cold, but didnt want to wake her so I cranked up the heater for her to stay warm, needless to say, we were left sweating. But she slept until 730. Yeah for her. I finally went to sleep around 430 and had to wake up at 7! BAD FOR ME! I want to know who invented this concept, and why is there not something else better than this. This is completely insane, well if anyone has any advice , I could sure use some encouragement to know that it is ok for her to cry. (POOR BABY) This is totally cruel! but i should not be complaining, After reading little Ashley's story everyday,I know there are parents who are going through much worse! Please remember little Ashley and all of the little ones in our blog world in your Prayers today and everyday. This is my complaint for the day.

Finding the time

Ok, so i have this site set-up, still playing with all of the add-ons and getting it published; but, NOW i have to make sure I FIND the time to post. I have pulled it up so many times this week and thought to myself-"Ok what do I type today" -then decided I would come back to it later. Well today is later I suppose, I was reading different blogsites today and came across one that on the first post they were worried and didnt want to type for fear they would be boring, or would just use this to complain... then she decided it was much better to complain on her blog rather than to her husband and if she was boring as long as no one told her -it would be Ok--WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT. I love it, and my husband would adore me if I complained to someone other than him. I have experienced those same fears, but mine are more, these people don't know me, and the ones that do, don't want to read about my life-they know it. Probably too well---I am not one to keep things inside very well.....My life has been an open book! As I want to complain today, I have to think to myself, "is this really wise?" "Do I really have anything to complain about?" I have 2 healthy beautiful children, a great husband (who by the way, is so patient and worry free -it drives me insane), a job, a home, and endless opportunities. Man, what a life, as I see on other blogs there are moms who are taking care of sick or disabled little ones. It is nothing to them and I see how they just Praise God for Blessing them with such wonderful Children. How awesome it is to see Moms and Dads who Praise God for little things like the ability to eat, or to be able to kiss little fingers and toes. They have patience (which is something I lack) and they just LOVE LIFE> How I long to be that Mommy! I love my girls with everything in me, but I get so impatient and I desperatley need a consistent schedule. My worries are so small compared to what I have been reading, but they are still so much MY Worries, and if I don't get a handle on them I will surely be inpatient at some facility. I so want to see God step into my life with my SMALL problems as I see him step into the lives with the big PROBLEMS. IS this making sense at all? Or Am I just rambling oN? So this is where I am today, and I Pray for those wonderful mommies and their little Blessings, and I Pray also for my little worries to go away and for clear vision to Know just exactly what I do have.

Blessings and Changes

Today is the first time I have posted on this journal. I learned about this term "blogging" from the website www.ashleysstory.org. If you have not read her story, YOU definitely should. This little girl has been a huge inspiration in my life. God used her website to get to me and so many other people in this world. I have been struggling with so many issues in my beliefs and in my Christian Faith. My mind seems to work at 100 thoughts a second. I seem to "well, this is happening because..." and the fill in the blanks seem to be negative. Why this is so, I will never know, I cant seem to reach the positive side of things. So I here is what i have come up with:
On Ashley's website there was a person who commented and left her blog site info in her posting, I simply went to that website to see what this was about and noticed she had poured out some of her thoughts, as does Trish (Ashley's mom) and so many other ladies posting on that website. I thought to myself, How awesome it must be to sit down and 'get all of those thoughts' out of your head, even without saying them out loud. And then I thought, there are so many people who are praying and saying things about our FATHER that I only wish I could feel inside.... Now, I am email queen, everything i need to say whether to friends, or even in arguments with my husband, I say them by writing them down. SO, WAHLAH, I found the perfect tool. I will write type my thoughts as if this were my hand held journal, nothing to keep up with , so i should be safe. Now it is just spreading the site so I can get insite from some of those people who have inspired me so much. I know God is working through them and I know He is wanting to reach me so now I have to let it happen, and study it as much as I can. It's hard to totally let go, but i am trying, its hard to know, is HE listening, but I am getting there. So this can be a good starting point. I have been so Blessed in the last 6 years that it is hard not to look for the ball to drop at any time. Wednesday was Adyson's (oldest child) 4 year old birthday. Four years ago God blessed me with the beautiful baby girl that I have dreamed of since I was 15 years old. She is gorgeous and sweet, and has a little stubborness of mine that can be a little trying sometimes. How can I not find the positive side of that. We have been sick, so tonight we are celebrating with family and on the 27th we will be celebrating with 12 of her friends. What fun, have your birthday spread out over a whole month, (i love it that way). She is such a wonderful addition to my life that I am so thankful to God in Heaven for allowing me the opportunity to be her mom and giving me a Wonderful husband by my side to raise her with. Thank you God for loving me today and for loving me always. I will be putting my favorite Bible verses as daily verses once I figure out how this "blog" world works. Thank you to anyone who reads and can give me any insight.