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Monday, February 5, 2007

Scrambled Thoughts

Ok, so I first have to apologize for my postings being so very long, but, since I am new to this I have alot to get off of my chest. Whether anyone is kind enough to read (some have been very kind, thank you) or not, at least it is out of my head for the night. So here is what I mean by my thoughts being so scrambled and here is why I love this "blogging" idea..

I mentioned in my first post, that when I have a positive thought, I have a million arguments as to why it cant happen to me... well,...here is an example:

A few months ago I was given a website to view (Ashleysstory.org)(I do not know how to link yet). I am so glad I took the time to read and keep reading: She has touched my heart and so has her amazing family. Since that blog came into my life, my Prayer life has become RICH, my spiritual life and relationship with God is starting to blossom.. I am feeling a sense of Peace about things. Thank you Staci for that phone call. On finding that journal, I started to find other journals through the comment section, and stumbled onto "Blog World". I must not be technologically advanced because I had no idea this existed! However, it has been a life changing experience for me. As I find one, then another comes across, and another. So many have beautiful children with illnesses or other things that have happened in their little lives.. so many babies to Pray for and so many to be thankful for. I just had to think: What an eye opener, here I am going about my BUSY, working daily life and feeling agitated, and tired, when all along I should be seeing these Blessings I have before me. My girls are healthy and I must say absolutely gorgeous ( I promise to post a picture, when I learn how)! Yesterday, I stumbled across a blog site and I found myself drawn to each and every post. I wanted to see more and read more. The mom is a mother of 5, one of which is in Heaven. Her little boy and girls are just as gorgeous as mine :)! I am just intrigued by her life and how Blessed she feels even after her tragedy... here is where the scrambled thoughts come into place.. and no amount of counseling will help this--it can only come from God's help.. Believe me I have tried!

Ok-I believe everything happens for a reason-God has a plan for everything. So, after reading this blog today, tears streaming down my face. I found myself questioning: "Why am I being led to these sites?" there is a purpose, I know it.. but What is it? Is God preparing me for something yet to come? Is he getting me ready to handle something that I know I am not strong enough to handle? Have I lost my ever loving mind? Should I quit reading these things and quit Praying for these babies and Pray for myself? (This cant be the answer) Or-is he showing me his work and telling me to slow down and "smell the flowers" so to speak (much more positive). Am I just a paranoid schizo that can live normally without fear something might happen to my baby girls?

I cant imagine my life without these two angels. So as all of these thoughts are occurring I am getting nauseated by the minute.. Pretty sick huh?-Well tonight as I sat down to journal this long, long post, I decided I better read my devotional from the weekends I am behind. I dont read the weekends alot because he makes them too long (like this post) and I have to find extra time to read yet another email! But I didnt read this past weekend, I skipped it and read last weekends--guess what I found: You guessed it, hopefully an Answer--here is what I pulled from the long paragraph:

As surely as there is a God, there is also a devil who seeks to exploit our weaknesses. He looks for our vulnerabilities, and when he finds them, where do you think he starts lobbing the temptations? Toward our weak spots, of course.

And my mind is definitely my weakest spot. I can manipulate any thought and my imagination runs wild. Too bad I cant write, I could be rich with all of the books I could write.

I see that Satan is wanting me to stop reading these sites and stop Praying so he can do his magic. I know this is the only reasoning behind these thoughts. Now I just need to make myself really believe that and quit doubting GOD! I need to have Faith and quit worrying. Sometimes I wonder, WHY in the World did God create Children? they just make Mommies worry!!! And that is what HE doesnt want us to do??? Sort of contradicting to me! But I know I have to give it to him and trust him and if something does happen, then I have to trust HE will bring me through it just like he has brought these other mommies through their trials!

I am so glad He loves me and is listening. And I am so glad I found this "world" and I am so thankful for the mommies who share their Blessings. I must get some rest --or read --I am WAY behind on my 90 day thing.. I am so ashamed. Good night to anyone who is reading and I promise to cut down my typing eventually.

2 comments:

Kelly said...

Hey! My posts are ALL ABOUT scrambled thoughts - all the time! That's what I use blogging/journaling for; to sort them out.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from...I "over-think" too! I'm not sure why I do it, but I know it can steal my joy. It's amazing how we can allow a good thing to be turned into something fearful, isn't it?
God will continue to help you as He is helping me. He is so faithful!

God Bless you today, and thank-you for sharing your thoughts.

Erna said...

Krista,

I had this post saved and ready to read. Don't worry about the length of your posts. Keep typing away and sharing.

You wrote:

WHY in the World did God create Children? they just make Mommies worry!!! And that is what HE doesnt want us to do???

Just imagine if He didn't create these beautiful children. That would be a bleak and uninteresting world, wouldn't it? There would be no adventure, no silliness, just adults trying to move ahead and achieve. One night I was thinking about why children are the ones that I see that are afflicted . . . the thought that occurred to me was that it is the fastest way to get to the heart of a parent. Can you imagine Job having lost ALL in just a small amount of time? He clung to the Lord tenaciously. It's the least we can do, isnt' it? I thank the Lord for children who bring joy into the world . . . couldn't imagine a world without them.

(I also appreciated your previous post about how you recognized God was answering prayer even back when your daughter was little. He is so good! So faithful! Sorry I'm catching up late but I'm here. Smile.)