On my mind

I dont have alot of wonderful things to write about lately--but I can think of one that is on my mind tonight.

Forgiveness:

I have the most incredible husband, he is a wonderful daddy who loves all of his girls! He is a very hard worker and he keeps things from me so I dont have to worry about them. He pays all of the bills, I couldnt tell you if we are rich or poor (probably poor)! I dont even remember how to balance a check book! All I do is spend the money! Now I have to say, I am EXTREMELY HARD TO LIVE WITH! I need to say that before I go any further. I gripe and I am easily annoyed. He is not!! He is very passive and calm, and sometimes sickening with no worries. I am not a loving person, I do not like to hug, or kiss or touch when I am sleeping! Ok-so why did I get married? HMMMMM!!!! Well, I know God brought him into my life to be my calm when there is a storm! Here is where forgiveness plays a part in this story......

He is gone alot, so therefore I have some resentment built up..... BUT.... he is making money, not in some bar getting drunk.... so why cant I see the positive?
He leaves his clothes in the bathroom floor.. I dont have time to clean up my stuff? ... so where is the problem?
He never hugs me or calls just to say I love you, he only touches me at 11 pm (can u guess)...BUT--I dont like to be hugged, I turn my cheek when he tries to kiss me? HELLO! What other choice does he have?
He gets overly angry with me when I correct his driving... Let me tell you this story.... we were driving in Louisiana a few weekends ago and we were at a VERY busy intersection coming out of a shopping center--the cars going from left to right were piling up so they could hurry and make it through the red light, this meant when our light turned green, we would not be able to go if there was a car there...... so what does J decide to do? "tell me if you see cars coming" --yep he was going to run the light! "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" I hollared loudly, he said if we dont we will be stopped here forever, SO--where do we have to be?????? it is RED light--the law???? He turns around and says to me" have some common sense Krista"--WHAT, I must not be hearing correctly--it is a red light--common sense says STOP! Anyway, we got out ok... but you can plainly see why I correct his driving methods and why my truck has an extra brake on the passenger side!
He refuses to put up stuff when he walks by-he just steps over it--his comment is--well you stepped over it too---yes but I have picked up 500 other things prior to that and it is the principal!!!!

I just dont get it! are men really this dense? I have to say my daughter does sleep in between us so there isnt much time for US! We never get to watch movies, I hate to put both of my children with a babysitter at one time because the little one is EXTREMELY busy--nto to mention everyone has their own life! so we never have date night anymore! We did get to go on a cruise at the end of last year-had fun, even had a great relationship for a month when we got home--but that died!

I am Furious because he schedules a b-ball game every year on our anniversary so I didnt even buy him a card this year. BUT he buys a card and something special each year. Does that make it ok, not to me.. but I make him think so!

I love him and I wouldnt trade him for the world--I ask God to help me change.. but I dont think he is listening until I can say I forgive him and until I can ask for forgiveness! Alot of people have given advice, but you know-I am not them.. I have a different outlook on things !

I am currently trying to change my attitude and staying in the Word seems to help very much! If I can only keep motivated and not get discouraged. It helps so much to have different blogs to read and gain inspiration from these women who have been where I am or who are in much worse situations! For not having much to say, it was quite a long post--but I had to get that off my chest. I must go read a chapter so I can get some motivation.

Nothing to say

I have just not had anything to write about--my life is boring right now! I guess I am pulling myself out of that hole! I am supposed to mention in one of my post about the Blog Party--coming up March 2nd-9th! Click on the link in my sidebar --I am not quite sure what it is about but I think it will be a great way to see other blog sites and meet new friends! Have fun!

Convicted

For the last week, I have been in a yucky mood! Dont really know why... Probably just really tired. As moms we have so much on our plate, and yet I have added baggage on top of that with work and school! but I am almost through, if I can ever get through Physics! And hopefully will be teaching next year! Praying, and keeping fingers crossed. I havent really had anything to write about lately, Pretty boring when I compare my site to the others I have read; however they have been posting alot longer, so maybe with practice I can get there. Maybe someday I can inspire others, who knows.

Lately, I have had a few thoughts on two things: Juding & Gossip!
Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."
Couldnt find the scripture on actual gossiping. These two words are so much a part of women. Now I am not saying every woman. Just Most. That is my opinion. Some to a higher degree than others. What woman doesnt like some juicy piece of gossip... whether it be of a friend, of someone in your community, or a member of the Church. How many times do we as women say to ourselves, sometimes to our husbands...Look at what that person is wearing. Oh my gosh, they are wearing white in the winter.... or Can you believe she dresses her kids that way? Lately, mine has been more about personality traits. I recently had the privilege of meeting someone who "just drove me absolutely batty"! I cannot go into detail for fear that I would hurt someone, but this person drove me crazy.. not for any reason in particular.. probably because they were different than me. Now, a year ago or even less, I could have spoke my mind and go on about my business as if I had never met that person. But all of the sudden.. I FEEL CONVICTED.!!! YIKES! That is a term I thought I would never use! TRULY, DEEPLY, CONVICTED. Like I dont like myself for thinking these things! This is totally frightening! I cannot turn into an emotional, likeable person! THat is just not me! My husband and I were riding in the car the other day and subject came up about someone we know and their "very" different ways and we just talked about them, just like a gossip session. I just stopped mid sentence and said Man i feel bad, "they are not bad people" just different from us. He said you have a point, they probably dont like us either.
I was talking to a freind last night, and we were talking about a situation that had happened and we were discussing how that person doesnt show emotions, they are somehwat fake. and I litereally stepped out of my body and heard myself telling, HER, a very wonderful, loving, Christian person--"now lets stop and think, we should be Praying for her not condemning her"! WHAT--WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME? I am sick, I need to see a shrink! Those words would have never come from my mouth without God telling me--"you need to hush, and think about your own self"! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? Am I getting a heart for people? Cant happen, It makes me think too much! Plus, I get emotionally attached, and then I hurt for people then I get sad, then I spend time talking on the phone, then I have to send cards, or emails. I do not have time for this in my life. But I find myself wanting to MAKE time, I want to make time to care! I want to make time for others, and I want to find so many friends that I just cant love anymore! I want to LOVE my husband (that is the next post), I want to share with my family. OOOUUU! I am having emotions. I want to quit talking about people, or juding their lifestyle and love them instead! All of the sudden, I hate thinking people may actually be talking about me, probably saying "that girl drives me crazy," that girl needs to loosen up, or she is sooo negative it is sickening! Ok, I dont want to be that person! I want to be the one they say good things about! Wow, this is alot to sink in ! I could go on and on but I have to take my little girl into town and then hit the books with my new found Physics tutor! my goal for this week is to not let this conviction bother me, but rather, let it mold me into a better person that God is wanting me to be.

Dumping Rocks

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ! I am sure this title sounds a little weird! this will be a short post as I have to get ready for Bible Study this morning. But I needed to vent a little. I had a terrible day yesterday! When I received the news on little Ashley, I just lost it! How in the world could this be happening? How much more can this little family take? The news discouraged me and Satan came in! I started talking to God in the car and literally out loud started to tell him "I finally started to truly believe in something, believe in YOU! If you are there, how could you allow this little one to suffer with anymore heartache than what she is already suffering with?" All of these questions, anger, saddness! It just isnt fair. If He wants to take her home, then please take her before she suffers anymore pain. And if he is going to Heal her, then do it now and let her mommy and her go home where they belong. Let her see how much love has come her way!

Last night I was talking to my aunt (my second mom) and she gave me something to think about "Who are We to question God? we have nothing wrong in our lives, We have healthy children. Who do we think we are questioning him?" She has a very valid point. And maybe I got the wrong meaning.. but I didnt realize it until 1030 when I sat down to read my chapter for today's Lesson.. The very first chapter was about a man who was asked by God to carry stones up the hill, as he went up he stopped by several places and offered to carry their rocks, pebbles, and other items. His load got to heavy and he got angry. Then God quickly reminded him, "I didnt ask you to carry their loads, just the three stones".... In other words, quick trying to carry everyone's else burdens and carry your own! WOW! This hit me hard and I started to SOB heavily, God doesnt want me to carry the Ashley's burdens, her mommy can do that for her! But I will be concerned and I can simply Pray for her! It still hurts but I know He has the power and her family is so very strong... He gave this to them because HE knew they could handle it and handle it with GRACE! I Pray for his healing power on this little Angel, and I Pray for Peace to come into her family. Happy Valentines Day!

SATAN, GO AWAY!!!!

Now, I am just plain mad! I just typed a whole post and lost connection with my computer. The devil is really getting me today… Then I just discovered… duh! Type it in word, you dingbat, and then copy and paste!!!!

Ok, so I will try this again, but those feelings are gone now so I don’t know how this will turn out…………
I am struggling today, and Satan is really gnawing at me! As I read through Ashley’s journal today, I am saddened. Tears of hurt for her mommy, for her, and for me! I want to know, Is GOD listening? There are so many people praying for her, every time she gets better and close to getting out, another bomb falls on her and she starts to struggle! What is it? Is there someone out there still needing to be reached? Is there something he wants from us or from them? I am mad at myself for getting attached, I am mad because I want her to get better. I am mad because I feel these things.
As I was reading through Blogs last night, I read a journal on www.jodyferlaak.blogspot.com (sorry don’t know how to link) and then I found an article on her Story! She lost her four year old in a horrible tragedy in 2001! In the article, it says that she made a statement about how, “there was a reason her family was in that restaurant on that day”! I have always believed “God puts us in every place for some reason”! I have just posted these thoughts last week—but they keep coming back… Here is the updated part of that post
I was told last week to just say out loud these words:
SATAN, GET BEHIND ME!! You are in My way, an offense, a hindrance, and a snare to Me!
And to Pray and give thanks for my healthy girls –so I have been doing that and it is helping some! I just simply say “SATAN GO AWAY”! I don’t want him behind me, in front of me, or even beside me! I don’t want him near me! I love to read these blogs and I love to post—but someone told me-these blogs may have been given to me by Satan himself because he knew it would have a greater impact on me than anything. So I will Pray today for strength, and for guidance to know what it is I am supposed to find out of all of this! Sorry, I will try to post more positive things this week and I will try to get off of this subject! It just keeps lurking! Oh yea, if you read this journal please visit www.ethanpowell.com and Pray for this little 2 month old baby, he has been diagnosed with Leukemia, I know his family and they are such sweet people!

Beautiful Moments

I have been so busy and have not been able to post an actual journal lately, but tomorrow is the big day for the scrapbook event and I am Praying God blesses this day! But I have just had the sweetest moment with my little one.. I am feeling guilty now I have to admit because my four year old was WHINEY, as usual at this time, because Daddy isnt home to play with her while I rock the baby to sleep... she layed down in her sleeping bag beside the rocking chair and was asleep in five minutes-so I cant apologize and tell her I love her for griping at her because she was whining too much! I hate that.. but while I was rocking, Ella would pull her bottle out of her mouth and smile soo big, then she reached up to give me good milky sugars! I love those kind.. She is so cuddly and warm at bedtime and it makes me forget how absolutely wild she is during the day. My husband says he has always wanted a boy, but he got him a mean little girl instead! she plays rough and tough, and can hold her on with any little boy that comes near her. It is so fuuny how my girls are so opposite... one is a princess and the other a linebacker. After she would give me kisses she would shove her fingers in my mouth and giggle! She loves Teeth. Dont know why, but she loves to poke and push on my teeth then shove her whole little hand in my mouth until I pretend I am eating it then she laughs. But it is so sweet when she is half asleep to hear her laugh, her eyes are not even open. This is how she drifted off to sleep tonight.
My four year old also made a comment to me earlier "mommy, did you know that we are posed to luv evewyone?" "That means people i dont know too"! I was so proud of her. For some reason she doesnt like to Pray and she gets mad at me when I tell her that Jesus loves her when she is minding and being good--It is so difficult at this age. But at least she is learning something. She even pulled a chair up to the kitchen sink and asked if she could wash dishes. Should I video tape this moment so I can remind her when she gets older how sweet she was as a child?
I am Blessed beyond measures to have such beautiful little girls to share my life with. And I am so happy God chose me to loan them to. Praise you God for those gifts of glory.

These have been deleted as to not have my babies faces all over the net!

Ok I promised pictures... the two little ones are mine and the older one is my neice.

Scrambled Thoughts

Ok, so I first have to apologize for my postings being so very long, but, since I am new to this I have alot to get off of my chest. Whether anyone is kind enough to read (some have been very kind, thank you) or not, at least it is out of my head for the night. So here is what I mean by my thoughts being so scrambled and here is why I love this "blogging" idea..

I mentioned in my first post, that when I have a positive thought, I have a million arguments as to why it cant happen to me... well,...here is an example:

A few months ago I was given a website to view (Ashleysstory.org)(I do not know how to link yet). I am so glad I took the time to read and keep reading: She has touched my heart and so has her amazing family. Since that blog came into my life, my Prayer life has become RICH, my spiritual life and relationship with God is starting to blossom.. I am feeling a sense of Peace about things. Thank you Staci for that phone call. On finding that journal, I started to find other journals through the comment section, and stumbled onto "Blog World". I must not be technologically advanced because I had no idea this existed! However, it has been a life changing experience for me. As I find one, then another comes across, and another. So many have beautiful children with illnesses or other things that have happened in their little lives.. so many babies to Pray for and so many to be thankful for. I just had to think: What an eye opener, here I am going about my BUSY, working daily life and feeling agitated, and tired, when all along I should be seeing these Blessings I have before me. My girls are healthy and I must say absolutely gorgeous ( I promise to post a picture, when I learn how)! Yesterday, I stumbled across a blog site and I found myself drawn to each and every post. I wanted to see more and read more. The mom is a mother of 5, one of which is in Heaven. Her little boy and girls are just as gorgeous as mine :)! I am just intrigued by her life and how Blessed she feels even after her tragedy... here is where the scrambled thoughts come into place.. and no amount of counseling will help this--it can only come from God's help.. Believe me I have tried!

Ok-I believe everything happens for a reason-God has a plan for everything. So, after reading this blog today, tears streaming down my face. I found myself questioning: "Why am I being led to these sites?" there is a purpose, I know it.. but What is it? Is God preparing me for something yet to come? Is he getting me ready to handle something that I know I am not strong enough to handle? Have I lost my ever loving mind? Should I quit reading these things and quit Praying for these babies and Pray for myself? (This cant be the answer) Or-is he showing me his work and telling me to slow down and "smell the flowers" so to speak (much more positive). Am I just a paranoid schizo that can live normally without fear something might happen to my baby girls?

I cant imagine my life without these two angels. So as all of these thoughts are occurring I am getting nauseated by the minute.. Pretty sick huh?-Well tonight as I sat down to journal this long, long post, I decided I better read my devotional from the weekends I am behind. I dont read the weekends alot because he makes them too long (like this post) and I have to find extra time to read yet another email! But I didnt read this past weekend, I skipped it and read last weekends--guess what I found: You guessed it, hopefully an Answer--here is what I pulled from the long paragraph:

As surely as there is a God, there is also a devil who seeks to exploit our weaknesses. He looks for our vulnerabilities, and when he finds them, where do you think he starts lobbing the temptations? Toward our weak spots, of course.

And my mind is definitely my weakest spot. I can manipulate any thought and my imagination runs wild. Too bad I cant write, I could be rich with all of the books I could write.

I see that Satan is wanting me to stop reading these sites and stop Praying so he can do his magic. I know this is the only reasoning behind these thoughts. Now I just need to make myself really believe that and quit doubting GOD! I need to have Faith and quit worrying. Sometimes I wonder, WHY in the World did God create Children? they just make Mommies worry!!! And that is what HE doesnt want us to do??? Sort of contradicting to me! But I know I have to give it to him and trust him and if something does happen, then I have to trust HE will bring me through it just like he has brought these other mommies through their trials!

I am so glad He loves me and is listening. And I am so glad I found this "world" and I am so thankful for the mommies who share their Blessings. I must get some rest --or read --I am WAY behind on my 90 day thing.. I am so ashamed. Good night to anyone who is reading and I promise to cut down my typing eventually.

Beautiful Blessing

Ok, so I had something to post yesterday, but by the time I slowed down enough to type, I was way too tired. So I am about to get ready for Church and I have time this morning.. maybe.. if little Miss will play and allow it... Anyway. yesterday was a beautiful day and I was able celebrate one of the most beautiful Blessings God gave to me. Last year on that day, I was HUGE, IN PAIN, and wishing I would have never met "A HUSBAND"!! YEP I was Pregnant.. who couldnt have guessed that right? Well, after 10 or 12 tries they managed to get the IV in and wheel me back into the operating room, the got the spinal to work (YEAH, my first child, I had to be put totally under)! so I was feeling strange and waiting, My husband and my mom brought over this bundle of precious little girl to me.. I was so relieved and excited of course, then as the doc was finishing up and making it where this would never happen again, The vomiting started, Have you ever tried to do that with NO FEELING from your neck down...VERY DIFFICULT.. that went on for an hour, then for the next 24 hours the nurses had to add pain to my tummy because something didnt work right and anyway, She was born on a friday and that Monday we brought her home... I already have one little one so this ought to be fairly easy.. We cuddled and slept and fed and changed... Pretty basic stuff.. Then came Wednesday............

My mom decided she would come spend the night and sleep with little miss so we could get some sleep (God's definite plan) My husband had a b-ball game so he was gone until late.. well, around 730 the baby let out a WEIRD scream, I went to pick her up and she was doing a weird jerking motion, As a mom, I thought instantly, the dreaded "seizure" term.. Gran of course, said no way, shes too little quit panicking... so again at 1030..right after my husband came in (again God's work) it happened again.. I insisted. we are going to the ER, so we get there and get ridiculed for bringing such a new baby into a sickly place like that, and then they dont get to witness this so they want to send her home as a muscle reflex... not happening.. something is wrong and I am not leaving.. (God's work again...another doc decided to watch her overnight).. this happened every two hours --I was a basket case knowing exactly what was going on.. but not one person would confirm it or run tests, or anything..When the pedi doc came by at 7am the next morning.. I said an immediate prayer... "God if you are listening, please let her have another episode RIGHT now so someone else can see this" Low and behold.. he heard my cry. she went for 2 minutes and it was worse.. We were then sent to Shreveport, LA to some pedi specialist, I lost it.. I was at that very moment regretting I had ever wanted another child..I cannot handle it if i lose her..What have I done??? anyway to cut this post down some and to cut down on time.. I will just say 5 days later and MANY tests later.. she was fine.. she had a calcium deficiency... her parathyroid glands were not developed and after they pumped her with tons of calcium.. 8 weeks of special milk and a supplement added she was good to go.. Since then she has not let me forget all of those needles.. she is getting me back, into everything. on the go.. wild (is eating magazine paper as I type) and definitely NOT the little Princess I thought I had.. But she is a beautiful Blessing and a beautiful reminder of how God was listening to those Prayers.. and I didnt realize that until now.. She is one and I am so happy he allowed me to have her while I am on this earth..I will try and post a picture maybe tomorrow I have to get them loaded..Thank you Lord for trusting me with these two amazing little girls! "But that is it, dont give me anymore"!! Off to Church!

HE is Talking to me!

One of my biggest struggles with being a Christian is "letting go". How do you do this when you cant see "anyone" there beside you? and you cant hear anyone actually talking to you. I struggle with "FAITH"! I am a HUGE worry wart. I worry about everything, and I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in no time! Give me something positive to go on and I can give you 20 arguments against it! I dont know why I am this way, I guess it is inherited. But for the past few days for some reason I keep seeing Bible verses about Faith, and things like "give your worries to God" and "Do not Worry, have Faith in God", then I read on Ashley's journal of her being afraid she had lost the Faith for a while,and on the way home today in a rush our Church had a sign up about "Give your worries to the Lord".. Ok-so I asked myself, What is it about this scripture? Am I supposed to be relaying this to another person? ABSOLUTELY NOT, I am supposed to relay this to MY heart! This is my Father saying to me"Hello, brick wall, are you listening? Let things go, quit worrying about everything and let me handle it". I am arguing with everything I have and I cant figure out why--I am trying to be in control when I need to give it to Him. But can this be anymore Human? Worrying is a human instinct, a motherly instinct! He gave us children, now we worry ourselves sick, but doesnt HE worry about US?? Yes! So I am asking myself, what could it hurt? Maybe I wouldnt be so grouchy, maybe that is the answer here. Let him worry for me and I can be Happy and Live life to its fullest! HMMMMMM Easier said than done I think.. But my Prayer is that through my Bible study and fellowship with "soon to be" new Christian friends, and through reading his word--I can let all of these silly things go and let him handle it. I have beautiful healthy children, a wonderful husband, a home to live in, a car to drive, a job, almost a career ( a few more months)-and How did I get here from where I was 7 years ago? Well, not alone, I can tell you that. My mom always says "God didnt bring you this far in life to let you down"! She has a point, I think, I hope! I am finally experiencing GOD and experiencing some of the PEace that I have only dreamed of having.. so I guess it can only get better. And maybe he is preparing me for something in my life that I will have to "let go, and Let him", but hopefully he will wait until I am fully Prepared....

My Gracious and Heavenly Father:
I Pray that you will give me the strength and knowledge I need to trust in you wholeheartedly and I will have Peace consume me. I Pray that you will guide me and my mouth to love and help others as I go through this life on earth. I Pray you will be the center and focus point in my family and we will look to you for every answer. Thank you Father for what you have done in my life and for giving me my family that has brought me this far. Thank you for the new friends I am meeting each day. Father I also Pray today that you will Bless this fundraiser event for the Adams' Family and it will bring many more hearts to you! I Pray for Ashley and her family for healing and Peace through the procedure tomorrow, keep your hand on her Father and keep your arms around her mommy! Father I also lift up all of those other babies I took the time to read about today, and I Pray for baby Donovan's family that you will comfort them and keep them surrounded my your love. Thank you Father for loving me. In Jesus Name: AMEN